our heartache

i have been writing this in my head for a few days now...

{{{deep breath}}}

here goes...

over the week of christmas, i miscarried our baby.

on dec. 22 i was sitting at the nutcracker with moonpie, my mom and sister and began spotting. john picked me up and i promptly went to bed with my feet up. my family was hopeful that it was nothing, but in my heart i knew that it was the beginning of the end. for the rest of the day there was nothing. even into the next morning, there was no spotting. but that evening, i was lying in my dad's bed talking to my step-mom and the bleeding started. just like that. i had been cramping on and off all day, but nothing drastic. once the bleeding started, the cramps intensified. john called my midwife and she walked us through what was about to happen. the contractions, the dilating, and the passing. it all happened just as she said it would. and i woke up on christmas eve, my 33rd birthday, without my baby.

we are sad, and are grieving as a family.

but it must be mentioned that we are not hopeless. the post before this entitled "all around the kitchen...emmanuel" was meant to show that god is in all the little things. i guess you could say that this post is about him being in the really big things too. although this was, and continues to be, very difficult, god was very sweet to us. the miscarriage was very quiet and peaceful. i did not have to go to the hospital or through any testing. i am thankful for that. we were at my dad's house with my parents and siblings all close by. my mom and in-laws, while not there physically, were only a short drive away, and were present by phone throughout the day. so while my tendency is to draw in and cave myself up, having my family to talk to and cry with along the way revealed to me in a very real way the grief is easier if shared.

and now that we are back home, our friends have been so good to us. one of my fears was that people wouldn't acknowledge this death, because the pregnancy was so new. but i was wrong. our friends and family have been so loving and encouraging. we have meals being provided. and while the food is so appreciated, what moves me every time is the hug, and the 'i'm so sorry'. i can't tell you how much that means...

so that is where we are now. trying our best to look forward with hope, but not putting this little one out of our minds. because s/he is ours, and will always hold a dear spot in our hearts.

all around the kitchen...emmanuel

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

(NIV Bible)

merry christmas, my friends!

holla!

moonpie created her very first challah bread last night! she was so proud, as was i! we used this recipe, only substituting whole wheat flour and 1/4 cup honey instead of sugar. we served it alongside some yummy turnip and potato soup (i switched the amount of turnips for the potatoes making it milder). this is a good way to use up CSA turnips, if your family, like mine, doesn't exactly appreciate them.

essie

this is little esther, the doll that i have been stitching up for moonpie for the last month. i now understand why these dolls go for $150 on etsy! man, are they some work! but i really, really enjoyed the process of making her. i made her in front of moonpie, hoping that her seeing the work that went into the doll would inspire some affection for her. and it seems to have. even when esther was hairless, moonpie would cuddle up with her on the couch.

i purchased the pattern and supplies from joy's waldorf dolls. i felt like the pattern was very user friendly for a newbie doll maker. i had to re-attach the legs about 4 times, but besides that, everything else went pretty smoothly. the pattern for her sweater can be found on waldorf mama's blog. this was very fun to knit up (in rowan organic cotton). her t-shirt was repurposed from a baby shirt, and i made a simple iron on applique from some scrap fabric i had. her pants were made from the basic concept of my monkey britches tutorial (only i had no pants to trace). i've also made her some woolie pants out of that striped sweater, a skirt and a tu-tu. i hope all of these little clothes will make esther's final reveal on christmas morning somewhat of a surprise! oh- and i should mention that the name esther is all moonpie. she had originally asked if we could name the baby (the one inside of me!) esther. when we politely declined, she decided that esther would be a great name for her doll. and i think it suits her just fine!

early christmas gift

whew- christmas is almost here, and i'm not nearly finished with enough projects to feel good about it! all blog time (and let's be honest- laundry time) has been spent on making gifts.

but in other- and way more exciting news- after 2 long years of wishing, hoping, praying and waiting...

we're having a baby!!!

we are so thrilled that god has chosen to bless us with another little one!

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

Psalm 139

warmth and love

the sun has just come up and revealed the most beautiful layer of frost on the ground. it's like a wonderland out there and i can hardly wait for the kids to get up so i can share it with them.

in anticipation to the cold weather, i crafted up a wooly hat and mittens for the kids using some thrifted sweaters.

it's hard to find wool sweaters in southeast texas. after months of looking i came across two very cute sweaters. i didn't know what i was going to use them for initially, but i was sure the purpose would come to me. i went ahead and felted them right away, so i'd be ready when the inspiration came.

to felt the sweaters i washed them on hot with some towels. then they were machine dried.

when i heard that it was going to snow yesterday, i instantly knew the purpose of these sweaters.

buddy didn't have a warm enough hat to wear, so i set to making a hat first off. i measured his head and then divided the diameter by 5. i made a pattern to match this spec and cut out 5 panels. i was then reminded of my horrible math skills when i found that the hat was way too big for him. i took out one panel, and it's still too big, but very comfy and usable! i stitched up all the panels together, added the elastic waste band from the sweater to the bottom and added some 'spaghetti' to the top. he loves it!

after making the hat, i thought to make some mittens. this was my favorite part! they were so easy and quick to make! i traced the kid's hands (in a mitten shape), added about 1/2 inch seam allowance, stitched them up, and turned them inside out. they took about 10 minutes to make from the tracing to the flipping inside out. on buddy's i added a little blanket stitch around the cuff.

there is something so sweet about wrapping your little ones in such a tangible form of warmth and love...